Where Have You Gone, Andy Carroll?

Today is Super Bowl Sunday. However, I will pointedly not write at length about the NFL. For god's sake, the pre-game coverage on Fox started 4 1/2 hours before kickoff. That doesn't take into account the weeks of hype on all sports channels. Nothing in sports is interesting enough to merit that much coverage, except for the World Cup and the San Francisco Giants.

I say this as a football fan, but I cannot bring myself to be interested in the hours and hours of announcers hyping the game. Today's pre-game coverage is likely to be longer than the actual time of play, and almost as long as the halftime show. The last few years, the Super Bowl pre-game coverage has felt like nothing more than an extended commercial for chips, beer, and other stereotypically American-male pursuits.

So instead, I will write about the other football.

Newcastle United sit mid-table in the Premier League, 5 points above the teams in the relegation zone but with a game in hand--which means they have played one game fewer so far, which means they have an extra chance to earn points to pull further away from danger. That's a decent position to be in, but to ensure safety, they need goals, and they just sold their leading goalscorer, Andy Carroll. Not only is he a Newcastle native--which means that he should have stayed to lead the line for Newcastle, despite some rougher aspects to his personality--but his sale seriously depletes Newcastle's offensive capabilities

True, they sold him for a ridiculous amount: 35 million pounds to Liverpool--although to be fair to Liverpool, they basically used the 50 million pound sale of Fernando Torres to Chelsea to buy Carroll and Luis Suarez, turning one talented striker into two. (By the way, I love the fact that Chelsea just lost to Liverpool, 1-0, at home at Stamford Bridge, in Torres' first start for his new team.)

35 million pounds is a hefty sum of money for reinforcing a team. The problem is, with the sale of Carroll happening on the last day of the January transfer window, Newcastle had no time to buy a replacement player. Yes, they have funds now to make a considered purchase or two in the summer, but now there is a deepening injury crisis. Shola Ameobi, the natural replacement for Carroll, broke his cheekbone in the first game after the sale and is out for months. The young and encouragingly-named Leon Best has scored a few goals, but just picked up a hamstring injury. Since the transfer window is now closed, Newcastle's only options are emergency loans of players from other clubs or signing a player who is currently out of contract. As a general rule, you would have to think there would be a reason why a player would be out of contract at this time.

Where will the goals come from to keep Newcastle in the Premier League? And more importantly, how can I find a good Newcastle player to represent my fantasy team? While Carroll has been out injured, there has been no one. I wanted to change that, but to whom? I want to pick someone who is likely to earn points. It's not just about waving the flag, you know. I ruthlessly changed the captaincy of my team from Andrei Arshavin to Carlos Tevez, who promptly scored a hat trick to earn me 38 points on his own. And that is what sports is really all about, fulfilling my sense of self-worth and cunning.

Yes, even with a depleted arsenal, Newcastle managed to rally for four goals to draw with Arsenal--yes, the pun was intended--but can that continue? I'll be interested to see who they can find to score goals. At this point, I want them to scrape enough points to stay up, and then buy some strong replacement players in the summer. That would feel like a great accomplishment.

And yes, I'm aware of the irony of complaining about boredom over the commercialization of the NFL, only to write about the implications of buying and selling players in soccer. What can I say? I care about Newcastle United. I emphatically don't care about cheap, watery beer and men who care passionately about chips.