Allegiance

Imagine reading The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy with no Arthur Dent. Or imagine watching Star Wars with no Han Solo: the classic edition, of course, because Han shot first.

Anyway, this is the conundrum I face going into this year's English Premier League soccer season. My favorite team, Newcastle United, was relegated at the end of last season, meaning they finished in the bottom three positions in the standings, which means they have to drop down to a lower league this year. This is as if the Athletics or the Giants were to play so abysmally that they were told to go down to Triple AAA en masse to sort things out.

This could be a useful way to deal with the Athletics, actually.

True fans, of course, would devote themselves loyally to following Newcastle's progress in the English League Championship (an ironic name, given it is technically the Second Division. The English League One, obviously, is the Third Division. Got it? Good). Only fair-weather fans or fans of negotiable affection would look to pick a new favorite team.

Well, pass me my sun block and street-walking shoes, because that's exactly what I'm going to do.

One would think that I would be satisfied with Liverpool. Liverpool has always been, if not my #1 favorite team, then probably # 1a. Liverpool gave us the Beatles. Michael Owen burst onto the world stage while wearing Liverpool Red. Liverpool won the Champions League in Turkey in 2005 in stunning fashion. My friend James is from Liverpool.

For some reason, though, this doesn't really satisfy. I think that because Liverpool has been consistently coming up just short of winning the Premiership, always in that mix of the Top Four teams, never quite breaking through, I am becoming somewhat weary of pinning a narrative of the season on their fortunes. Newcastle has been up and down, but at least there was uncertainty.

This isn't to say that I won't pull for Liverpool. But cheering for Liverpool is like rooting for that woman you have known for a long time and love as a friend, because you respect her and have lots of affection for her. I need another team to leave me feeling giddy.

There are 20 teams in the Premiership. I've eliminated a few of the teams as being unacceptable: Hull City and Stoke, last year's newcomers who managed to survive, because they in essence shoved Newcastle out; this year's newcomers, Burnley, Wolverhampton, and Birmingham, because I just don't care: Birmingham would be closest, but it's Birmingham. I just can't find it within myself to care about Birmingham. Not that I've ever really been there. For me, Birmingham is simply a transit hub; I would change train lines there on my way from London to Aberystwyth, and it is through where we flew to and from Mallorca.

From the rest, I've culled it down to six candidates, including Liverpool. Forthwith, a presentation of the attractions and repulsions of each club. The chief requirements in this utterly scientific process were location, the role of Americans, and talismanic figures.

And at the end, a poll!

Here we go, excluding Liverpool, and with apologies to my British friends who may actually like some insulted towns and teams:

1) Arsenal. Location is key for Arsenal. I love London, and it is one of the only British cities with soccer teams in which I have spent much time--London gives this list Arsenal, Fulham, and West Ham, and Chelsea and Tottenham were near-misses.

There is something inherently dignified about Arsenal. I call it the Hornby Effect. Nick Hornby loves Arsenal, as described in Fever Pitch, and anything Nick Hornby says has to be right. Arsenal has always seemed like perhaps the quieter older brother of the flashier Man United or Chelsea, though not without charismatic stars like Cesc Fabregas, and before that, Patrick Vieira, Thierry Henry, and Dennis Bergkamp.

However, Arsenal seems to be potentially entering a tailing-away period, possibly less-well-equipped to keep up with Chelsea and Manchester and Liverpool at the top.

2) Aston Villa. Aston Villa suffers from the location question, playing in Birmingham, although with the partially redemptive fact that I think I could see their stadium from the train when I passed through, and that's just cool.

Aston Villa has been mid-table most of the time I've followed the Premiership, but they do have not one, but two American goal-keepers in Brad Friedel and Brad Guzan. This is important to me, because I feel like every American signed to play with a European team is like a small validation of me as an American soccer fan. I take my victories where I can get them.

3) Everton. Everton is led by Tim Howard, the current number one American keeper, not to mention Tim Cahill, the Australian midfielder who intrigued me at the last World Cup.

But on the other hand, this is Everton, based in Liverpool, and I think that would be just wrong to cheer for both Liverpool and Everton. It would be like rooting for both the Packers and the Vikings, or both the Red Sox and the Yankees.

4) Fulham. I actually have a personal connection with Fulham. My grandmother's cousin Colin who lives in London is a big Fulham fan. I've walked past Craven Cottage--Fulham's stadium. Fulham is a mid-sized club that has played hard to stay in the Premiership year after year. And Fulham has a history of welcoming Americans, from former players Brian McBride and Carlos Bocanegra to current players Clint Dempsey and Eddie Johnson. It helps to root for a team when there are specific names to root for as well.

But is there actual hope for Fulham to win great things? As a fair-weather fan, I'm allowed to have certain expectations for a return on my emotional investment.

Before I list the final candidate, I need to say this: when Michael Owen signed with Newcastle a couple years back, I was joyful. Michael Owen is the talisman for me who followed Alan Shearer as my icon. Matching Owen with Newcastle was the best of all possible worlds, especially when Alan Shearer was brought in as manager in an ultimately-futile effort to save the Magpies from relegation.

Please bear this in mind when I mention 5) Manchester United.

I know. This is like rooting for the Yankees. They always win and have tramloads of money. I have rooted for them in the Champions League when they bore the English banner, but otherwise, they have always been the (Red) Devil you had to root against, that your team had to get past in order to win the league. I feel almost dirty listing them as a possibility.

But they signed Michael Owen. Plus, they sold Cristiano Ronaldo, who always amazed and annoyed me at the same time.

So now I'm torn. Do I make a deal with the (Red) Devils, knowing that hopefully Newcastle will be right back up in the top-flight next year, making it a one year Faustian bargain?

Decisions, decisions. Time for a poll. Cast your vote, if you care, as to which team I should follow.